The Scarlet Field of Can'-Ka No Rey

wild_cat01 @ 2009-11-21T18:37:00

2009-11-21T18:37:43Z

"What's going on today?
Why must it be this way?
We're going nowhere and
We're still knocking the need to bow down

They think we're all the same
And always we're to blame
For shit I think is lame
It's time to stop the game
I think it's time to pay for everything you made me say"
- KoRn "Y'All Want a Single"

Well another fucking job rolled over and died. Not that anyone is to blame for it, digs got cancelled because of the shit weather and there is simply no work. After four years and fuck knows how much debt studying for this stupid career I expect more of a return though. Is that selfish? Fuck if it is.
So I'm worrying about money again, and there are other pressures, especially relationship-wise (I'm basically not happy, but what the fuck I'm going to do about it, fuck knows). Perhaps a Certain Someone's impending marriage (cos, yeah, right, you ain't heard) is pissing me off a lot more than it ought to. Actually it is making me a lot more bitter towards the whole idea of marriage, but I couldn't totally explain why. Probably because happy-families-morgage-secure-job-fairy-tales-ever-fucking-after-world seems a little beyond me right now. Perhaps I don't want it anymore anyway. I'd be happy just with a decent job right now.
Plus I am fucked off at my housemate. Generally he's ok, but he's, even to give him his many credits, he isn't half a self-centered, selfish fuck (I restrain from using the C-word, but just barely). As long as everything suits his fancy then he doesn't care. Essentially we need to move house and get a cheaper place, to save money (mostly for me, as Kit isn't earning and has no money anyway - see above relationship stresses, something else he doesn't give a fuck about), but he won't move anyway beyond a certain distance away from convenient transport to and from his place of work. Which limits out rent-saving options drastically. I could go on, but I'd just get more venomous, and that's not good (and don't even get me started on his whole lovey-dovey-new-relationship-with-some-opinionated-liberal-hippy-artsy-bint-airey-fairey attitude of the past couple of weeks. Hmm, yeah, I AM a bit jaded aren't I?)
So why don't I just ditch him. Well, mostly because I'm too nice, and doing that will leave him needing to find a place and shelling out more money himself. And also I'm not stupid. I don't honestly, in my heart, think Kit and I getting our own place is a smart move given my current concerns over our relationship. Plus, unless we got somewhere cheap it would likely make fuck all difference to my money anyway. Oh, yeah, and I'm not working, so estate agents aren't even going to give me the time of day.
I am looking for jobs, of course. And considering finally ditching archaeology as a bad lot and finding something new (yes, I've thought this many times before, I know. This discipline is weirdly difficult to get out of. Probably cos I can't do fuck-all else). Kit expressed a worry today that I might leave Edinburgh. It's not high on my list of wants, but it is a possibility. This place has not been the Brand New Start it was meant to be. Actually, largely, "nothing has changed" - to quote a certain blonde Miss-Oh-So-Young-And-Pretty, albeit she meant something totally different (I really, really, need to calm down, I might be a Snake, but that doesn't mean I need to be poisonous).
There was a job in Sheffield not so long ago. I didn't apply, but I thought about it. I actually considered, in all seriousness, moving back there. Why wouldn't I? Memories remain with me wherever I go, and the Dangerous Elements of that city have left. And yes, I'll admit, I miss my Ka-Tet. A lot. Mind you, I do like it here, and I have good friends here. Also, because I know myself all too well, there are other, darker, reasons I would remain here. But they are dangerous reasons, best forgotten.
Or I could just commit armed robbery.
I have been told I can write, but someone who has read this journal, or parts of it. I disagree. I don't think I can, though I wish I could and were good enough to make a living from it.
There has to be a way out of Discordia and to the Scarlet Field, I know for certain there is, but damned if I can see it.
Or maybe I can't see it for looking.

October 2

2009-10-02T16:20:30Z

those who understand, will understand...

wild_cat01 @ 2009-08-09T23:40:00

2009-08-09T23:37:54Z

.."Always hopeful, yet discontent,
He knows changes aren't permanent,
But change is"
- Rush, "Tom Sawyer"
only ten weeks since i updated. thought it was longer than that.
today (9th aug) is the anniversary of the atomic bomb on nagasaki. didnt think much of it until a text a couple of hours ago which i just read. now, i know that most people who have read this journal from the start will have just groaned - yes, it was from V. can't tell you what it was, as i don't know how public the news is. suffice to say it started with "i thought you should hear it from me". same old phrase she always uses when she's about to pull the trigger. as if i would hear it from anywhere else - if i didn't hear it from her, i'd never hear of it at all. we both know that.
nagasaki sits in a valley, so when the bomb went off, the damage and casualities were less than at hiroshima. likewise, much less damage here than might be expected. i knew it was coming (but pretty sure i asked specifically never to be informed, but hey). maybe it's initial shock, but i don't feel any different to be honest. not upset, not angry. maybe a bit hurt, a bit disappointed (i did get out of bed and lit up a smoke) and if i do feel those things i couldn't really say why. actually, i wouldn't be surprised, in fact i think it's the case, that it's my daemons that are trying to make me feel hurt, to make me focus on that. maybe i dont care. why should i anymore? (but i think that's my daemons too). hell, it's been three years and i've been pushing around the thoughts about how i feel about her for a while now and i've come to a conclusion.
think it's pretty dead at my end now. it's over.
well, i gambled and i lost. shrug. thats the way it goes, i guess. it was a bad bet but one i couldn't seem to give up on. she's had her new life for three years now, i feel like i might be able to get mine back.
i just this moment laughed. a proper good laugh. not bitter or angry or anything. i actually feel pretty good, and i think i hear a little someone singing
if he's happy - i'm happy
i'd be surprised if i don't cry a little this week. i'd expect it and i think it would be no bad thing if i did. but finally the old life is dead (or so i reckon, to put a qualifier on it), the chapter feels as though it is closed. hell, the book feels like it's closed. just look at the pic - its the roses and the tower. i think maybe i can see it again.
i think i will cry, and very soon (maybe before i finish writing this), but even as i feel the tears begin to prick up behind my eyes, i know they feel, in part at least, like tears of relief. like when you come through a hell of a fight, one you thought would never end, then suddenly you find it's over and you look around and you realise that, well, yeah, maybe you are wounded, and maybe those wounds will leave a permanent scar -
but you're alive.
and i feel pretty good about that.
whether i killed it, or she did, or it just died cos it had to, cos of the damage it had taken, or a mix of reasons, i don't know. couldn't tell ya, say true say thank ya. i wonder, of course, if she'll read this. maybe. maybe not. don't daisy if she does really. nor what she thinks of it. other than maybe i hope she feels some kind of relief too, if only for me (she cares. why, i can't say, but she does, that i know). now for sure it actually feels like our paths are separate, and now i know, in my heart, that there won't be any meeting for us in the clearing at the end of that path. it's probably true that it's been that reality for the past three years and it's only now i've had my eyes opened to realise it.
apart from on the inside, in my heart, my head and maybe my soul, it doesn't change a thing. i'll wake up tomorrow and go to work and the world will still be the same. i still need to think hard about my feelings for Kit, and about my future (if any) with her. again i shrug at that. if it works, it works, if it don't, it don't. i just don't know how i feel about that. i know i'm not really happy, but i can ~~live~~ survive without happy.
yeah, i can feel those daemons clawing about, whispering about how i hurt and how it's so painful. i can feel them trying to put those twisted, hateful, painful images in my head. give it up boys.
i personalise my daemons, helps make sense of it, but the twisted reality is that they aren't separate entities, they're me. i do it (or try to do it) to myself. i couldn't say why i would do such a thing. that's the nature of depression, i guess.
i do know that right now though i feel like i've been released from something. i dont feel quite so black, or alone, even though i don't turn anywhere for help or to anyone to talk to anymore. it's very hard to explain, to put into words, or at least words that won't sound totally negative. i can't quite explain that i don't see those things as negative now.
i need to reach the tower, however long that might take, then i can explain, then people will see what i always failed to tell them. then you'll understand
then we'll all understand
think i ought to give a little prayer of thanks
it's raining outside. sure there's a word for that, a phrase, when the environment reflects inner moods and feelings. it's a good, gentle, soft, rain, a very soothing sound.
it's clearing all the crap away
then he'll understand

wild_cat01 @ 2009-05-26T07:52:00

2009-05-26T07:18:05Z

.."And did you exchange a walk on part in the war,
for a lead role in a cage?"
- Pink Floyd, "Wish You Were Here"

I've just awoken from an awful dream. Not a nightmare per se, but it has left me shaken, upset, and feeling, well, fearful. I dreamt that one day, not far from now, a young blonde woman whose name begins with V turned up on my doorstep. She held in her hand a small teddy-bear as a gift for me. I think I also remember seeing the small shape of a child in the front seat of the car, which made it odd, as she's only turned 30 and she didn't look older than that. When I asked her what she was doing there, she said she had come to re-open the proposal of marriage between us.
I think I recall my blood running cold and my heart both rising and sinking at the same time.
I did ask why, and apparently a date of marriage had been fixed between her and her current fellow (which, in reality, it may be, I have little idea of what goes on in her life. Anything I do found out usually still has potential to wound, but anyway). By her account this was too soon for her, or she wasn't ready or sure that this was what she wanted. So back she was...
The last thing I remember of my dream was standing with her on a beach. I think I told her "yes" (though I'm admittedly not sure) and then turned from her and scrambled my way up the loose scree of the cliff-side. At the top of which, I found the teddy-bear she had given me, which I didn't remember dropping, though I must have done. I then went back to my house (which wasn't the house I live in reality, it was more run-down, less pleasant), but the door was locked. I knocked and strange people I didn't know let me in. Then I awoke, shaken and disturbed, and began writing this.
I'm sure once was a time that dreaming of V would have pleased and thrilled me, gods know I still miss her and, yeah, well. But no, it's actually left me frightened and unsteady and feeling a little dizzy. Why? Deep down, wouldn't I love it if she came back? Yes, I would, but she's never going to, not now, not ever. Not in this life, not in any other. I know that as surely as anything can be know. I've accepted it (or at least I thought I had, I thought I had shrugged, sighed, and decided to get on with life, such as it is).
So I know this is one dream that will never come true, not even in the slightest detail, even if I wanted it too. So what could it mean?
I think the reason I'm left so upset by it is that it means my inner daemons aren't done torturing me yet. What better way to open up a new offensive after laying quiet for so long?

wild_cat01 @ 2009-05-17T13:59:00

2009-05-17T13:18:52Z

-- "I'm finished making sense,
Done pleading ignorance,
That whole defense"
"The Pretender", Foo Fighters

Well it's been a while since I've written here, about time I scribbled something.
Yet another short-term contract over so back to job-hunting - not that there is a lot around at the moment from what I can see. I'd hoped I was over that whole contract to contract thing, but obviously not. Well, for every person for whom life is roses (no names mentioned, yeahyeahyeah) another person has to shovel shit.
I suppose now I'm at a bit of a crossroads. Do I stick with archaeology (The dig was good, I met some nice people)? Do I follow up the idea about emigrating to Canada (need a job to go to though)? Or do I follow up the idea about teaching? Seems to me that whichever I do is going to have to be "it" - once whichever path is chosen I remove the other two. But maybe not, I don't know.
Stresses are showing, anyway. At least I think I so. Certainly things with Kit are, well, not as good as they used to be. Her constant illness is, I think, a strain on both of us. No-one's fault, these things are tough for anyone. I think the biggest thing is that she seems to be adamant that she won't leave Scotland until her parents are both dead and buried (morbid and a bit too "apron strings" if you ask me) - which doesn't exactly come across as being very supportive for my emigration idea, no does it make it easy to work away (which is the nature of archaeology largely, at least until I can actually hold onto that Holy Grail that is a genuine permanent contract). I doubtless sound very mean and selfish, but I don't want to get held back. She doesn't seem to understand that I have something of a loathing for the UK - at least in terms of taxes, bills and cost of living constantly meaning I have no money, oh, and a government so corrupt our biggest export could be bananas! And, when it comes to the crunch, sure I care about her, but...
Is it horrible of me to want to take control of my own life to the degree that I will make sacrifices that may upset or hurt other people?

wild_cat01 @ 2008-12-25T01:34:00

2008-12-25T01:35:07Z

Happy Day o' the Man Jesus, Amigos and Amigas

You take the high road, and I'll take the train.

2008-12-07T12:16:37Z

Well, that's it, it's over, and tomorrow night I'll be back home in Edinburgh. Thank fuck for that, because living with my parents and being back in his area has reminded me why I left in the first place ten years ago. A shame to leave the job behind, but oh well. Not sure if it was me or the directors who were more unhappy about me leaving.
I'm guessing it'll be good to be back in Edinburgh for many reasons, but I can't shift the feeling of doubt. Maybe it's nothing, but I'm not 100% sure I'm doing exactly the right thing with my life and my future. Not that I want to stay round here, that's for sure. It's probably just other stuff that's been on my mind. Stuff I can't really do anything about anyway. To be honest, I have to go down this particular path because I don't see that I have much of a choice.
Nobody ever siad lifting sieges was easy, and sacrifices must be made.
Still, it'll be good to be back.

wild_cat01 @ 2008-11-21T19:51:00

2008-11-21T20:02:23Z

"I started fucking running as soon as
my feet touched ground"
- Green Day "Homecoming"

Well, only a couple more weeks and I head back home to Edinburgh. Thank you South Cumbria, it's been a blast working back here, but I left ten years ago swearing I'd never spend my lie here...so fuck ya. It is, admittedly, a shame to give up the job, but seeing as I've spent two weeks trying to drag my work out and have recently resorted to trying to read the BBC news website in Russian (which I am a wee bit less than fluent in), to try and pass the time, and no work is coming in (DO NOT try to get a job in archaeology right now. Fucking financial collapse), it's time to jump ship. I think the boss and the boys are a bit sorry to see me go, but I have my plans. And that is that.
However, although I'm looking forward to getting back, I'm not exactly feeling tip-top right now. Maybe it's the onset of winter, or maybe it's the feeling that things still just aren't right (which they aren't, but alas, I can't do a damn thing), but I feel quite down generally. I know I shouldn't just ride over it and ignore it like I do, but the only person I really want to speak to...well, I can't, and even if I could, it makes no damn difference anyway...
So on we roll, ever forwards.Ignore the flanks...the flanks will be fine...

Is it Rob Zombie? Is it me? Is it me as Rob Zombie?

2008-11-10T20:03:28Z

And a Happy Halloween was had by all.
There may be a better post soon (no promises). I'm just a bit tired (and a little down) at the moment.
Four or five weeks then I return to Edinburgh proper. Mmmm...I should shift my ass and find a job

wild_cat01 @ 2008-10-29T23:55:00

2008-10-29T23:59:50Z

I shall be heading back to Edinburgh or a couple of days tomorrow, errr, almost today in fact. I can't wait. i have been mad homesick. it's a halloween party, which should be lots of fun.
And it will also be a year to the day (ie 31st Oct) that I met Kit for the first time.
"Awwwww sweet" I hear you cry (or maybe it was "uurrrggghh, sickenin'," not sure, the acoustics are bad in here).
And yes, the chances are I shall subject you to photos, either here or on facebook (eewww, I'm such a social networker. yeah, right)

wild_cat01 @ 2008-10-29T18:34:00

2008-10-29T18:38:17Z

"She's an Extraordinary girl
In an ordinary world
And she cant seem to get away

He lacks the courage in his mind
Like a child left behind
Like a pet left in the rain

She's all alone again
Wiping the tears from her eyes
Some days he feels like dying
She gets so sick of crying

She sees the mirror of herself
An image she wants to sell
To anyone willing to buy

He steals the image in her kiss
From her hearts apocalypse
From the one called whatsername
She's all alone again
Wiping the tears from her eyes
Some days he feels like dying
She gets so sick of crying

She's all alone again
Wiping the tears from her eyes
Some days he feels like dying
Some days it's not worth trying
Now that they both are finding
She gets so sick of crying

She's an Extraordinary girl
an Extraordinary girl
an Extraordinary girl
an Extraordinary girl"
- Green Day, "Extraordinary Girl"

Sometimes I think the Gods, or Ka, or both, just wait long enough to prove me wrong.
I got my karma return - I got something I always wanted.
I was wrong all along...
I was right all along...

wild_cat01 @ 2008-10-28T21:43:00

2008-10-28T22:02:05Z

"Deep inside your soul there's a hole you don't wanna see
Every single day what you say makes no sense to me
Even though I try I can't get my head around you

Somewhere in the night there's a light in front of me
Heaven up above with a shove, I beg it's me
Even though I try I fall in the river of you
You've managed to bring me down too

All you're faking (Get Up, Get Up, Get Up, Get Up)
Shows you're aching (Get Up, Get Up, Get Up)

Every single day what you say makes no sense to me
Lettin' you inside, isn't right, don't mess with me
I never really know what's really going on inside you
I can't get my head around you

All you're feeling (Get Up, Get Up, Get Up, Get Up)
Shows you're breathing (Get Up, Get Up, Get Up)

Deep inside your soul there's a hole you don't wanna see
Covering it up like a cut with the likes of me
You know I've really tried, I can't do anymore about you

The cut's getting deeper (Yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahh)
The hill's getting steeper (Yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahh)

I guess I'll never know what's really going on inside you
I can't get my head around you"
- The Offspring, " (Can't Get My) Head Around You"

More thinking. Though this time, it's not so good. Aside from all the aforementioned things I have realised something else about myself.
I'm angry, bitter and resentful. I've given and given of myself countless times and for what? Not much, I'll tell you that. To get used and hurt, to get "forgotten about". Of course, I can't not care and give, nor woud I want to - I like to care and give. But I feel forgotten about in the old "karma" stakes. I don't believe that "nice guys finish last" - I see plenty of nice guys and they do fine or themselves - they're one of the good guys and they get the girl/money/job/whatever.
Umm, hello? Yeah? Can I have something like that? Something I want, not what I'm told I should have? Maybe, just a little? Please?
I'm not "in it for the money". But when I see people I gave so much to doing so well (seemingly at least) in life, when I feel lost, empty and unfulfilled and hopeless, well, I kinda have to ask if that's really ow the deal was meant to go down.

If it was, fair enough, I'll accept that. I'd just like to know.

wild_cat01 @ 2008-10-21T22:08:00

2008-10-21T21:18:02Z

"Have you ever buried your face in your hands
Cause no one around you understands
Or has the slightest idea what it is that makes you be?

Have you ever felt like there was more
Like someone else was keeping score
And what could make you whole was simply out of reach?"
- The Offspring, "Have You Ever"

Bad days are to be expected, I suppose. It's bound to be a struggle getting better and getting back to "me". But when it gets bad because I'm being "me" then that's when it becomes really tough. Push on, push forward, as always, but...ah fuck... I have no idea what the fuck I'm trying to say here, and I really don't think anyone would quite get it anyway. But that's because I can't explain it...

The Road to Leningrad

2008-10-14T18:39:04Z

It seems the Siege of Leningrad may well be harder to lift than I thought. Not in the sense of any major obstacles, but more to do with the ways in which I measure my own successes. I know I use false yardsticks, I measure myself against other people - one person in particular - and if I am not at least their equal I am not, in my eyes, a success.
It's projecting, or rather false projecting, and I know I do it and I know what consequences it has for me, yet I can't seem to help it (is it that I'm not good enough for them, or not good enough for myself?). The problem with putting people on pedastals is not only do those people sometimes get scared of the dizzying heights you elevate them to, but the pedastal can also become too tall for you to support safely any longer - and you then realise the person you elevated is forevermore out of your reach...
But still, you want them to be the shining star you know, and have faith, they can be, so you try to push and drive them as high as you can, refusing any notion of allowing them to be held back by anything. At what point, I wonder, does self-sacrifice become matyrdom?
Yet regardless of consequences, future problems, or the apparent underestimation of the strength of the siege, the drive forward must continue, the siege must be lifted, the invaders must be smashed.
And so, in the face of enemy guns, the drive continues...

The Aftermath Part III/The Road to Leningrad

2008-10-12T23:20:08Z

"You'll never make me leave
I wear this on my sleeve
You wanna follow something
Give me a better cause to lead
Just give me what I need
Give me a reason to believe"
- My Chemical Romance, "Thank You For The Venom"

It seems the casuality lists from Stalingrad keep rolling in - and the casualities were some I never expected. Strange the things you learn when you see an ex for the first time in 9 years. Nice to see her, but a bit odd and definitely unexpected. Apparently to someone else I'm the "only person they ever really loved". I'm not sure what I do, or what I've got, but I sometimes wish I didn't.
Also, some good news. The MIA is no longer MIA. It is however, I would say, seriously, indeed critically wounded. Whether or not that Special Connection I had with Vic can ever be healed, I can't say. But what I can say is that it isn't dead, that's for certain. At least, no-one was willing to let it die it seems. I suppose I shouldn't say too much, but I think that saying that although I hoped it would be found again (I never wanted it to be left behind, not in my heart of hearts), I wasn't the one who went out into the ruins of Stalingrad to find it and bring it back to the field hospital. At least, that is how it seems to me.
And if I'm honest, that's what I wanted to see happen. I didn't want to leave it out there, but I have to drive on to Leningrad, I can't delay. Now I've made some firm decisions on a battleplan, it needs to be carried out. Already, I'm glad to say, it looks like links with Leningrad have been established - the first step in lifting The Siege.
It' easy to get stuck thinking about that Connection, and worry about if it will ever recover from the wounds I believe it has suffered. I have been thinking about it a bit, essentially about the days when Vic and I first met - how we talked to each other, because we needed someone to listen; how we spent days together slowly (actually, to be honest, rapidly) falling in love in the most unlikely places (who would have thought dead rodents could bring two hearts together), and I miss those days. I can admit that to myself yet no longer be upset by it. Saddened, yes. I do wish it was possible to get it back. At the very least the being able to talk and listen to one another, which was the very core of the connection we shared, I feel. The problem is, is that it was that that led to our falling so deeply for each other - and I don't think the two are separable - and that is what has caused the problems and the hurt of the past couple of years; trying to have the two things separate, yet together. Is it possible to have the core of the connection without everything that came with it the first time? If not, then it's going to be dangerous to have it back (if that is even possible). If it is possible to separate them, then is that actually the same as what we had back then? Would it be as special? Essentially, as I see it - it may be a case of all or nothing. Because it has to be, there's no other possible way, at least to my mind. I don't think Vic agrees (though I may be wrong, as we havent really ever talked about it successfully, but how can you when you don't understand it?), and that, again, has been the cause of much hurt. Victims of circumstance, but I, for one, refuse to be a victim anymore...
So, for good or ill, I am unwilling to resort to "nothing" (and I don't think I'm the only one). So if I won't allow "nothing", and I can't have (or give) "all"...
But it's no good worrying about such things. I am constantly dragging myself back to focus on the road ahead, the future, and the lifting of The Siege. If that connection is to recover from its wounds, if it is to be re-established, and what state it will be in, well, that is something the future holds.
We must keep going forwards...

The Aftermath - Part II

2008-10-03T14:55:51Z

Of course, all that said, Stalingrad shall be rebuilt in time.
I see "Stalingrad" as being an analogy and symbol of my mental and emotional health, really. Which has taken some dents to say the least. But I feel that now it is safe from the "Fascist Invaders" that are my inner daemons. They are not driven back completely, but they will be.
And so Stalingrad shall be rebuilt and it will be better than it was. A more beautiful city, if you will - but it will be more than that - it will be a testament to the sacrifices made, and the support given, by all my friends and those that have cared for me and loved me, allies past and present, old and new, from my parents to my son, from my dearest friends and comrades wherever they are (people on this friends list to The Vanguard of The Proletariat and The Red Army back in Sheffield to The Squad in Edinburgh), and, of course, that Certain Someone and The Little 'Un. Though that deep spiritual connection may now be posted as Missing In Action (it was a necessity, for which I am truly, honestly sorry, I hope you can understand), that doesn' mean it is actually dead - we may find it again yet. The reconstruction has begun already. I hope when it is done, all those people, but most especially those last two, can look at it and know that they helped immeasurably (a debt I sadly can never repay), and perhaps be proud of.
As Stalingrad is a symbol of my emotional and mental health, so Leningrad is the symbol of my dreams, ambitions and Life Plans, which have also been besieged and assaulted and must now be liberated so they can be similarly rebuilt. that's the next phase, though it's going to take time.
So where does that leave "Moscow", the City That Shall Not Be Surrended?
Well, that is "me" - my inner soul, the real "me" - the source and seat of all my good points such as "the wealth of love I have to give" (as people have said I possess). Like the real Moscow, it looked for a time as though it might have to be adandoned and might fall, but it could never realistically be surrended - that would have meant the end of me, physically, spiritually, perhaps both. That, however, will take some time yet to free, but it will happen...
Za Rodina,
And Thank You all, even if you do not read these words...especially to those Very Special Two

The Aftermath - News from the Front

2008-10-03T10:05:12Z

I think I can finally announce that my own personal Battle of Stalingrad is over.
Losses have been heavy - physical, emotional and mental health, Faith, confidence and belief in the things that made me me has been heavily damaged, a lot of tears (and not a little blood) have been shed, and the most tragic casuality is a very very close bond, a spiritual link with someone I trusted, Loved and adored, someone very precious to me, will now have to be posted as Missing In Action. There are doubtless casualites elsewhere to that I am unaware of - the "civilian" and "collateral" losses, if you will.
However, there have been heavy casualties for the "enemy" too. I am confident to report that a number of inner daemons of mine have fallen, or at least can no longer be considered fit for active duty.
Gains have also been made - I am stronger, tougher, harder, wiser. I feel more confident in myself - I know I've come through Hell (at least of a personal kind) and, in one shape or another, have survived. I also think I'm perhaps a bit colder, a bit meaner. I'm less inclined to throw myself into self-sacrifice without first considering the effects it may have upon me - and upon those I care for. That's not to say I wil no longer give of myself, just I will be a bit more careful in future and consider if it's what I should really do - and if it's really what the other person wants. Perhaps that's being more selfish, but I've not come through this struggle unchanged...
Doubtless, of course, further casualties may slowly come to light as time goes on. They will have to be dealt with if and when they are revealed. I hope there aren't any, but, well, it's an unfortunate, but necessary consequence of what had to be done.
So, now stronger and ready to move forward, leaving "Stalingrad" behind (but not the memory, I don't think), I am marshalling my forces ready for the next step - the lifting of my own personal "Siege of Leningrad" (which I see has being my loss of direction in relation to careers/life plans).
Za Rodina...

Happy Birthday, Little 'Un

2008-10-02T14:36:11Z

"Summer has come and passed
The innocent can never last
wake me up when september ends

like my fathers come to pass
seven years has gone so fast
wake me up when september ends

here comes the rain again
falling from the stars
drenched in my pain again
becoming who we are

as my memory rests
but never forgets what I lost
wake me up when september ends

summer has come and passed
the innocent can never last
wake me up when september ends

ring out the bells again
like we did when spring began
wake me up when september ends

here comes the rain again
falling from the stars
drenched in my pain again
becoming who we are

as my memory rests
but never forgets what I lost
wake me up when september ends

Summer has come and passed
The innocent can never last
wake me up when september ends

like my father's come to pass
twenty years has gone so fast
wake me up when september ends
wake me up when september ends
wake me up when september ends"
- Green Day "When September Ends"

I know she's doing ok, and I know she's watching me. Watching me get stronger and draw nearer the Tower every day. Despite the cracks that appear and the stumbles I make.
There's some breaks with the past I do refuse to make, and this is one of them. Because it wouldn't be right.
But I almost made one last night. In the end, though I didn't. I didn't slam the door, and I didn't walk away, even though the deepest wound was torn wide open again. But even though the door is still wide open for Her to walk through any time She likes, I'm not going to stand there and wait anymore. I can't.
I have probably come across cruel and cold and uncaring. I'm not, I still care, deeply and always, just I'm a bit tougher - because I need to be. And I can't reserve all my heart for one person anymore, not when they won't accept it. Other people need it now.
But as I said to Her last night, though I now give away pieces of myself to anyone and everyone, She gets the first and last pieces of my heart, whether She ever takes that last piece or not.
If she doesn't? Well, I guess it'll just sit there...

and i'm not even drunk - but i wish i was...

2008-10-01T21:59:20Z

(i always feel horrendously over-sensitive come this time of year these days, but with good reason i think)
and then, on top of all that, I read an article in a recent national geographic about modern moscow. i wish i hadn't. i suppose i have too many rose-tinted views. i'd always admired russian culture, but ok, i never thought moscow was a paradise. but swollen with mega-rich nouveu-bourgois who say the best club is the best cos no-one can get in, and even in clubs you can get in you can't unless you're pretty enough? a place were gangs kick the fuck ou of each other for shit and giggles and roll over drunks and homeless while the police just stand and idly watch because they're "only paid to protect the mobile phones" of a local shop? a place where people race like maniacs round the Kremlin at insane speeds on licences they've bought or drive in cars with "official" plates and use government-only lanes (again all while the police look on, either helpless or bribed)? a place where hookers (who i have no problem with in principle) roll tricks by whacking them out with vodka spiked with a blood pressure drug, and when (if) the trick wakes up, there's no fear of him going to the cops - because the cops are the pimps? it's like a city out of a World of Darkness or Cyber-punk/Shadowrun source-book. but it isn't - it's Moscow. is this what millions of Russians died for in purges, famines, revolutions and wars?
maybe it hurts because it's russia and the stupid old rose-tinted glasses didnt see it, but hell, it's anywhere. It's Moscow, it's London, it's New York, it's Tokyo. if you look not very far at all, it's where you are now - it's right outside your window, to a greater or lesser degree, but it's there. maybe it hurts not cos it's Russia - maybe it hurts cos it's everywhere on this dirtball rock i call a home.
or maybe it's just me being stupid and sensitive. as per fucking usual. but sometimes i have to wonder if i was a gunslinger like Roland Deschain trying to make this world a better place, wouldn't i just drop my guns and give up? wouldn't it just be easier? what's the point? hasn't the Crimson King already won? hasn't The Tower already fallen, as good as?
so here i read about kids stabbing each other, or cries for help being met with encouragements to jump, or rich feedin of poor, or people robbing off the destitute and helpless, and i think to myself, why don't i just drop my guns? what's the point of me, one person, trying to help people and make a difference? i can't exactly make the world a better place, it's not even possible. this place is fucked.
yeah, it's fucked. but what else have we got? it might be a dirtball fucked-up rock but its home. so someone oughtta try at least.
nice guys finish last (mind you it's awful arrogant for me to claim to be a "nice guy" cos i'm not at all, but you get the idea), but if even one person they help finishes first, then that doesn't matter. one just has to hope that the person you help is a good person too.
if the last gunslinger dropped his guns, gave up and went home, there'd be no more gunslingers left, and then there'd be no chance of it ever getting better. and then it would be over.
it's hard to carry on in the face of disillusionment (especially when it's brought on by unwise amounts of introspection), but that's when my fabled stubborness kicks in.
the real one might be shithole, but i'm not surrendering MY moscow

This carebear has claws

2008-10-01T18:29:00Z

"When we were young the future was so bright
The old neighborhood was so alive
And every kid on the whole damn street
Was gonna make it big in every beat

Now the neighborhood's cracked and torn
The kids are grown up but their lives are worn
How can one little street
Swallow so many lives

Chances thrown
Nothing's free
Longing for
Used to be
Still it's hard
Hard to see
Fragile lives
shattered dreams

Jenny had a chance, well she really did
Instead she dropped out and had a couple of kids
Mark still lives at home cause he's got no job
He just plays guitar and smokes a lot of pot

Jay committed suicide
Brandon OD'd and died
What the hell is going on?
The cruellest dream - reality

Chances thrown
Nothing's free
Longing for
what used to be
Still it's hard
Hard to see
Fragile lives
Shattered dreams"
- The Offspring, "The Kids Aren't Alright"

I been thinking about this pst most of today, but it's not what it was going to be. I'll get to that later, but first the shit I was going to say.
It's the eve of another anniversary, a very personal one, that brings me to a lot of thoughts for the past couple of years. There's been a few internal changes recently but this is something that won't ever change and will always stay with me. It's an unhealing wound, painful, yet at the same time, something I find a lot of strength in, and has kept me going a lot of times over the past three years.
But now for my rant(s)...
Ok, I heard a couple of bits of news today that hit me hard. First, the less important one. Apparently they plan on bringing in pics on packs o cigarettes to discourage smoking. Now, I get the good intentions, but the written warnings don't work, believe me (no, I ain't quit yet). Maybe pics of lung disease and cancer will, but what I don't like is the plan to also have pictues of dead bodies in morgues. I find that deeply offensive and a bit too extreme. One assumes it's people who have died from smoking (though that was never explicitly stated in the report I heard), and I also assume the deceased or their family have given permission, but really? I'm not offended because I find dead bodies offensive. I am an archaeologist after all. Nor do I find death offensive (the thought of my own death doesn't bother me in the slightest, but I'll come back to that). It's just that, to me, it seems like an invasion of the deceased privacy. I wouldn't want millions of people looking at a pic of my dead body, especially on something that is, essentially, something people do to relax. Ok, I'm an archaeologist and I have found and dealt with human remains, but even that seemed like a horrible invasion of the person's privacy, even though they'd been gone for about a 1000 years. Clinical detachment was needed there, but in the end I still had to justify and rationalise it and come to terms with it. The idea of it just seems, well, rude.
And now my real rant.
The other piece of news was the news of a young kid (18) who took his own life in Derby by jumping 60 feet to his death. Now the police (damn they do a fine fucking job, I say. Hats off to em) tried their best to talk him down. But what angers me is the fact that PEOPLE ON THE FUCKING STREET WERE SHOUTING AT HIM TO JUMP AND "GET ON WITH IT".
I can't even begin to describe how fucking livid that makes me. Sons of fucking bitches every last one of em. The police didn't arrest em because it would have "created another incident". Another fucking incident??? If I ever, ever come across people doing that shit, I'LL create the fucking incident. So help me gods, I'd kill em. I swear I'd beat the shit out of them, I swear. It's just...evil. No other word for it. Evil. They don't want arresting though. The hell with that. No arrest, no trial, no jury. Just straight to a work camp of murder. Because that's what those callous cunts did - they murdered that poor kid as sure as if they'd put a gun to his head and pulled the fucking trigger.
So yeah, I'm angry. Any time someone takes their own life because they suffer depression so badly that they feel it's the only course available is an horrific tragedy, but this...It's like all the times those poor kids in the States or anywhere take a gun to class and kill others before killing themselves. They need help. Someone needs to go out there, reach out an help them. Or at least try if nothing else.
So, you read this, I implore you. If you ever even suspect someone, anyone, friend or stranger, is in that kinda trouble then help them. And don't dare tell them to "jump" or so help me gods you'll have me to answer to - and this carebear is not to be fucked about with - I have claws. But saying that, I know that noone I know would be so callous. All the people I count as friends are good people. A few of them have been to those black places - so they know better than anyone.
So, maybe that's another reason for me to be a teacher. Not just teach and guide and help people to develop their strengths, but also, if ever needed, to care and to protect.
They say nice guys finish last - maybe - but as long as the people they help finish first, what does it matter?

wild_cat01 @ 2008-09-23T19:43:00

2008-09-23T19:10:40Z

"You rise, you fall, you're down then you rise again
What don't kill ya make ya more strong
You rise, you fall, you're down then you rise again
What don't kill ya make ya more strong

Rise, fall, down, rise again
What don't kill ya make ya more strong
Rise, fall, down, rise again
What don't kill ya make ya more strong

Through black days, through black nights
Through pitch black insides

Breaking your teeth on the hard life coming
(Show your scars)
Cutting your feet on the hard earth running
(Show your scars)
Breaking your life, broken, beat and scarred
But we die hard

The dawn, the death, the fight to the final breath
What don't kill ya make ya more strong
The dawn, the death, the fight to the final breath
What don't kill ya make ya more strong

Dawn, death, fight, final breath
What don't kill ya make ya more strong
Dawn, death, fight, final breath
What don't kill ya make ya more strong

They scratch me, they scrape me
They cut and **** me

Breaking your teeth on the hard life coming
(Show your scars)
Cutting your feet on the hard earth running
(Show your scars)
Breaking your life, broken, beat and scarred
But we die hard

Breaking your teeth on the hard life coming
(Show your scars)
Cutting your feet on the hard earth running
(Show your scars)
Bleeding your soul in a hard luck story
(Show your scars)
Spilling your blood in the hot sun's glory
(Show your scars)
Breaking your life, broken, beat and scarred
We die hard
We die hard
We die hard"
- Metallica, "Broken, Beat and Scarred" (edited ever so slightly for diplomatic "Dean wishes to avoid triggers" reasons, I hope people understand my probably miserably failing attempt to be understanding)

Well, that's the song that I feel is "me" on the new album. Really for the "getting the fuck back up again no matter what" sort of attitude, as if that's any surprise to those who know me better than I probably know myself, which it won't be.
Actually, The Unforgiven III does, on reflection, have some releva still, in a direct way -
"How could he know
This new dawn's light
Would change his life forever?

Set sail to sea
But pulled off course
By the light of golden treasure"
- Metallica, The Unforgiven III
- makes me think of, well, to be honest, the first time I clapped my eyes on V. Well, how could I know? I couldn't. And if I had, would I have followed that same course anyway? Kind of an irrelevant question because when all is said and done, I did follow that course. But, yeah, if I'm totally honest, I probably would have. Because I fell in Love - and everyone knows how hooked I am (was? No, am) on that particular drug.
Well, today promised to be a good day with seeing two magpies and a black cat on my way to work. And it was. Wrapped in my thoughts again they ranged through quite a few subjects (the usual, the introspective, the downright sexual (I have no idea why, I just felt incredibly kin...umm, yeah, well, you get the idea), including thoughts of why do I want to be a teacher (this latter prompted by a good friend actually asking me in the course of her giving me valuable and greatly appreciated advice on the subject - thank you, you know who you are).
Well, aside from the fact that I think getting an education is the single most important thing anyone can do with their life, upon some very deep thinking on it, I realised this - I believe everyone has an inate power to change the world for the better within them, as a group effort and/or through individual achievment and prowess, whether their skills lie in art, science, politics, mastery of words, whatever. But not everyone realises it, and sometimes those that do are put down and prevent by other, less altruistic souls.
Well, fuck that. Don't let anyone, anyone, ever tell you that you can't make a difference or improve your own life and that of others. And that, I realise is why I want to teach. Not only to help people to develop and grow, but to hopefully awaken them and encourage them to seeing that power and potential within themselves.
All I hope is that I can do this, that I can awaken that power within myself to help others awaken the power within themselves. Perhaps even for them to go on to the same for yet others.

"I'm inferior? Who's inferior?
Yeah, we need to check the interior
Of the system that cares about only one culture
And that is why
We gotta take the power back"
- Rage Against The Machine, "Take The Power Back

- kinda relevant, I think, in my mind anyway, in the wider scope of the meaning.
Go get 'em Mood Kitten

wild_cat01 @ 2008-09-22T23:24:00

2008-09-22T22:37:36Z

"How could he know
This new dawn's light
Would change his life forever?

Set sail to sea
But pulled off course
By the light of golden treasure

Was he the one causing pain
With his careless dreaming?
Been afraid
Always afraid
Of the things he's feeling

He could just be gone
He would just sail on
He'll just sail on

How can I be lost,
If I've got nowhere to go?
Search for seas of gold
How come it's got so cold?

How can I be lost?
In remembrance I relive
And how can I blame you
When it's me I can't forgive?

These days drift on
Inside a fog
It's thick and suffocating

His sinking life
Outside it's hell
Inside, intoxication

He's run aground
Like his life
Water much too shallow

Slipping fast
Down with his ship
Fading in the shadows

Now a castaway
They've all gone away
They've gone away

Forgive me
Forgive me not
Why can't I forgive me? "
- Metallica "The Unforgiven III"

The above is from the new album and I love this song. I thought I'd put it up because if any of the songs on Death Magnetic have resonance it's this one and one other. But this one doesn't have the same sort of meaning and resonance it once might have. Yeah, all the words and even the tune I feel reflect me and my emotions and feelings.
Or rather, the old me. The pre-New-Improved-Introspective me. I listen to the song, I hear and read the lyrics and I think, "yeah, that was me. That was exactly how I felt not very long ago". But now, it seems distant, like looking at an old photgraph that I remember being taken, but seemingly a long while back. Only, it's not that long ago. Months at most. So this song touches me very deeply, because it feels like it was me (hell, it was me), but it doesn't quite feel like me anymore.
I guess the boys, or at least Mr. Hetfield, are (is) still tapped somehow into my psyche. And thinking about it, when they we're putting this song together it must have been at the time when I was feeling just like it describes
So, what's the other song? Well, that I'm leaving for another post (but I'd love to know if anyone is makinga guess). All I'll say for now is that maybe they're tapped into my psyche better than I am myself. And I wonder if they subconciously sensed future developements?

In a word...

2008-09-20T12:55:39Z

"And how can I blame you, when it's me I can't forgive?"
- Metallica, "The Unforgiven III"

"The Slave becomes the Master"
- Metallica, "The End of The Line"

I have one word to describe Death Magnetic...
Metal.

For non-Metalocalypse fans, that means I like it. And, yes, there are one or two songs that, as with every album they've done so far, have a certain resonance...
It's also making want to pursue that mad rock-star dream of mine (and, course, now it seems I could actually have the teachers and contacts. Edinburgh rocks for making whatever kind of friends you need, and I mean whatever kind). But, no, I don't think people are gonna see me on Kerrang or anything anytime soon (or whatever fucking music channel does metal these days - I am so not down with the kids anymore).
So, yeah, Metal. Definitely Metal.
*Edit* - I forgot to mention, that the instrumental "Suicide & Redemption" (yes, they've gone back to puttin a 10 minute intrumental track on the album) is wonderful. I've always loved Metallica instrumental tracks, but this one (around 3:50 to 5:20) to just makes my heart and soul soar. It's one of those tunes that just enters into my brain and bloodstream and makes me wants to weep. It sounds daft, but I can't describe how much I adore music that works it's way into you and how it feels. It's, ah, hell, if you know what the fuck I'm talking about, then you already know how it feels and what it does, if you don't, then I really do feel honestly sorry for you. It's better than food or drink or smokes or even sex. Actually, fuck it, I'll not say this about anything else, but
it's better than Love...

wild_cat01 @ 2008-09-13T13:16:00

2008-09-13T12:21:14Z

I hold in my hand (thus typing one hand, which is still quite difficult) -
THE NEW METALLICA ALBUM!!!!!!

In other news, I have hit something of a brick wall. All this introspection has been good, if tiring, and Ihave realised a number of things. But now, I don't know what to do with this knowledge, or what I can do about the various situations. I would like to be a bit more pro-active (to use a current popular buzzword), but I'm at a loss. So I know, or think I know, what's missing, and that essentially, I'm lonely. But how do I move forward from there. Perhaps I'm trying to run before I can walk, and the answer will come in time.
Perhaps the boys from Metallica have some words of wisdom?

wild_cat01 @ 2008-09-10T22:50:00

2008-09-10T21:52:08Z

I hold in my hand, at his very moment (thus typing one hand, which is quite hard) a piece of pottery made by a real human being, like anyone of you or me, some 600 years ago,
How's that for perspective...?